Madonna

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Liddy

Kitty

I was totally isolated, with only my grandmother and her retarded daughter, from seven months, up until I was four years of age. I lived with them out in the swamps of Florida. I was never allowed to meet other humans and was hidden away if anyone would approach. Things changed drastically when I was four years old. My grandmother flew me to California where my mother lived, and dropped me off on the curb outside her house. Said "your mother lives in that house" and drove off… I remember sitting on the curb for a long time trying to figure out what to do. Didn't cry, hadn't been allowed to do that. Finally walked up to the door. Thankfully my biological mother was at home that day… She kept me for a few months but couldn't handle me since I was more a wild animal than a human child. (Or as she put it: 'A swamp-bred wildcat') I was put up for adoption. Life has been a bumpy road, with many problems when it comes to interacting with other humans. I don't trust them or even like most of them. Tried for the longest to 'fit in' and be 'normal' (what ever that is?) Have never regarded myself as a human being, even though I know that physically I am suppose to be one…

My grandmother must have spoken to me. Also since my retarded aunt was living with us, my grandmother would speak with her, so I would assume that, that is were I learnt to speak. I have met my biological mother - I found her again when I was 15. She told me what I was like, when I showed up on her doorstep. I spoke fluently. More swearwords than regular words but I spoke with full sentences and no trace of 'baby talk'.

I also speak Swedish fluently, with no accent at all. My adopted parents had no idea that I had picked up the language since they had not heard me speak it, until we flew over to Sweden for a visit in 1969 (when I was nine years old). They would always speak Swedish between the two of them and then turn to me and repeat in English whatever they felt they wanted me to know. I'd always answer in English. I never let them know that I understood every word they were saying, when they spoke Swedish. I have no memory of why I never let them know. It's just something that I did. My son is also bilingual since I've always spoken English with him.

I remember quite a lot from those first few years and have understood after going back to the swamps in Florida why I react and behave in certain other ways. My grandmother died in 1985, so I haven't been able to ask her about anything. I've just tried to put together a giant jigsaw puzzle. Many pieces are missing, but others have fallen into place over the years. I do want to believe that in some strange way, she did care.

I retraced my childhood footsteps in Florida in 1986. Found a few answers to questions I didn't even know I had. (Not sure that makes any sense but I'll explain.) Rented one of these air-propelled boats and headed on my own into the swamps. Saw the big trees with their enormous root systems and realized that was why, when I would draw trees, I would always draw them with a huge base and twisting, intertwined roots… (my first trees). I realized why I NEVER trail my hand in the water while I'm in a boat, or sit and dangle my feet in the water (alligators). Also, why I roll myself up in my covers, with just my nose sticking out, to be able to breath and why I never have a foot or hand hanging outside of the bed… (spiders, snakes, gators and other animals). So yes, from that behavior, I do believe that my grandmother somehow did care, since she must have taught me to do this and it is something that 38 years later, I still do. Sure, I can break the 'rules' and sit with my feet in the water, or have a hand or foot outside of the bed, but it gives me the creeps, so it's not something I feel comfortable doing. Doesn't matter that there are no gators, poisonous spiders or deadly snakes here in Sweden. I'm still not comfortable doing it…

My birth mother told me that I was more a wild animal than a human child when she got me back. She couldn't touch me, without me fighting her. If she tried to punish me as in spanking me, I would fight, scream, kick, bite and twist until I'd pull my own arms out of their sockets. If she locked me in a room, I would tear the room apart and bite myself, to the point where my arms would be covered with deep bleeding bite marks. I would also pull whole fistfuls of hair out from my head, leaving big bald spots.

I'm still not comfortable if strange people touch me. Or when someone other than my children tries to hug me. I can't handle someone holding on to me and not letting go when I tell them to.

I will still panic and fight my way free. I don't bite myself or pull my hair out anymore. Outgrew that behavior… Have punched many walls, doors and windows though, resulting in many cracked knuckles and sprained wrists and cuts. But that's also past history. Can't stand being in a locked room, or even a house some times. Have on more than one occasion become (for lack of a better word) afraid of the dark, while being inside of a house and ended up running outside. I have never been afraid of the dark outside. At least not out here in the forest. In the city yes… Have taken many a walk with my dogs over the years in the pitch black of the night. I love it! It's quiet, peaceful, no people. Just me, my dog and the forest with its 'safe' inhabitants.

I have always been considered a very cold person by others. Cold as in not showing emotions. Doesn't mean that I don't have any. It's just that I don't show them very often and definitely not among strangers. My son would probably tell you a completely different story about his mother… But whenever anyone else was/is present, I'm very wary of them and my 'armor' instantly comes up around me. I have never had a lot of friends. Not that I didn't want to have friends while I was growing up. I just didn't know how to interact with them, or what was expected of me. Was more comfortable 'living in my own world'. Found out a few years ago from a girl I use to go to school with, that she really wanted to be my friend back then, but that she didn't dare approach me, since I looked so tough. Was I as tough as I looked? No… It was just a mask that I would put on whenever I was among people. Do I still wear that same mask? Yes…

Other behavioral things I do that I am aware of. (Probably a lot more things, that I'm not aware of.) If I drive by a car accident, it doesn't faze me… If I drive by a cat or dog that has been hit by a car, it turns my stomach and sends my heart up into my throat and I stop immediately to see if I can help the animal. I have been the first one at a car accident and yes, I did stop to help and call it in. But it didn't bother me in any way. What did bug me though, was the fact that I wasn't bothered by it, since I know that I should have been, according to how a 'human should react'. What does get to me and make me very angry is when children are hurt or abused. But when does a child stop being a child and become an adult and someone I don't care about? Haven't figured that one out yet…

My mother was 15 when she got pregnant with me. My father was in his thirties. My mother was slightly retarded/late and couldn't (according to my father) (I found and met him when I was 23) take care of me properly. Also since my grandfather on my mother's side went after my father with a shotgun, forcing him to either marry my mother or go to jail for statutory rape, I would guess that didn't exactly make things better… My father kidnapped me when I was six months old. To start out with, his various girlfriends took care of me for a few months. That didn't work out very well, so he put me on a plane and flew me out to his mother in Florida. My mother had no idea where I was. It landed her in a mental institution for five months. She got out in time to give birth to my sister. By then she had found out where I was, but had no means to get me back. She got pregnant again (same father, go figure?!) and my brother was born the year after. So when she did get me back, she also had two more young children to take care of and she was worried that I would hurt them in some way. She also told me that if she had kept me, she probably would have killed me, since she couldn't handle the situation.

I was adopted by an elderly Swedish couple (mid fifties). Overly old-time religious, bible-bashing, holy rollers. They had the idea that, God, the bible, the whip and the threat of abandonment would cure me… Nope! Only taught me even more that humans can't be trusted. I remember after an 'incident' when I was five years old, sitting down and thinking my situation through. Realized at that early age that I had to 'behave' and 'be normal', until I was old enough to take care of myself. They moved back to Sweden when they retired. (I was 12) That's how I ended up over here… Completed the ninth grade (equivalence of high school graduation) when I was 14. Moved out a month before graduation and never moved back. Got a job, boyfriend and moved in with him. Constant fights and abuse, both mental and physical. Left him the same day I got my driver's license (at 19). Meet a new man and married him when I was 20. Two children later (girl and boy) and more abuse, I left him when I was 25. I have been on my own with my son since then. My daughter whom is also slightly retarded (hereditary from my mother) is with their father and his family. I love her but I couldn't handle dealing with her problems. I have broken the cycle of abuse when it comes to my son. I think I have spanked him twice in his whole life. He is 18 now and moved to Florida last year. He is very independent and has been taught how to take care of himself. I did try to be involved in society and other humans for his sake, while he was still living with me. Now that he's not here. I don't have to pretend anymore…

I am now 42 years old. I live alone with my cats and dog in my house in the forest in Sweden.

Strangely enough I have never gotten into the 'drug scene', something that I have found to be very common when it comes to children that have been traumatized. I have always valued my intelligence and ability to be able to think, in order to solve some problem or another. Since I have never had anyone else to help me. Or let me rephrase that. I have never let anyone help me. In my opinion drugs and alcohol tend to slow down your mental capabilities and I'm scared to death, just thinking about not being able to get myself out of a problem on my own. Relying on another human being for my existence is not an option. It doesn't matter what the subject is. Adding on a spare room to my house, fixing something broken on my car, or just being able to see a problem from different angles and figure out on my own, what the best solution would be to said problem. I guess you could say that I am in some way 'addicted' to being independent.

I don't have the ability to love another human, apart from my children. I've had many heated discussions with psychiatrists over the years, when they would tell me that the human race is a 'flock animal' and need to have other humans around them, in order to function. Yes… I agree, if that is what you were brought up with, when you were a young child. Up until I moved out here to the forest five years ago, I was a basket case… Panic attacks, anxiety attacks, you name it… I am now more or less at peace with myself. I can live the way I feel comfortable with and even be happy. I have my flock. One dog — unfortunately she is almost 14 years old — and my 15 cats.

I'm not able to trust another human being (apart from my son, but then he is my offspring). I don't want to trust humans. Why? Because it's when you trust someone, that they are able to hurt you. Am I lonely? Yeah, some times but it's not worth the pain to change it. I've got everything I want out here. Peace of mind… The only times I interact with other humans is twice a month, when I drive in to town to buy groceries. When I'm in town I'm constantly aware of my surroundings. Very hyper alert. Sneak up behind me and say boo and you'll either have to pry my fingernails out from the ceiling, or I'll spin around and deck you. I am also very sensitive to moods in people. I can walk into a room and immediately feel if there is any animosity in the room, meaning if there has been an argument, or if someone is upset or angry, with either me or someone else. I know right away from just looking at someone and their 'body language' what to expect from them. I have not consciously tried to learn how to do it. I think it comes from always standing 'outside' and watching how other people act. I guess it could be called 'self-defense' somehow. Trying to be prepared, if the worst would happen.

Copyright © 2002 by the author